Another Thursday, another horoscope from the Onion

Today's Birthday
Long gray beards have for centuries been linked to wisdom and shrewdness. Sadly, you get yours caught in the fax machine far too often for this to actually be the case.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Difficulty telling right from wrong will lead to indulgent behavior this week, which will lead to difficulty telling right from left.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Perhaps it's your fault for having expected too much of fame, but as the holder of the Guinness World Record for shortest living man, you thought you'd at least be up to your neck in pussy.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
You've never been the sort to pat yourself on the back, but that was before you had a piece of steak lodged in your windpipe.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
It's true that your talents and interests make you unique; however, some of the credit should go to your mother for ingesting the thalidomide.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Your belief that humanity is growing too dependent on machines will finally be put to rest next week, when after three days of careful deliberation, family members decide to take you off the respirator.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Misguided by the success of Orson Welles' groundbreaking, all-black production of Macbeth, you will be humiliated this week after the scathing reviews of your all-black production of Othello come in.

Libra (September 23 - October 23)
You'll cry yourself to sleep yet again tonight, much to the envy of insomniacs across the country.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 21)
A séance organized this week in an effort to bring comfort to a grieving friend will end in tragedy when the spirit of her deceased husband fails to understand why you two are holding hands.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will feel let down by the historical inaccuracies at a nearby medieval-themed restaurant until you pay a visit to its bathroom.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Regular bouts of morning sickness will continue unabated next week, a surprising occurrence considering the abortion.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Your longtime wish for a better poker face will finally be granted this week; unfortunately, you'll lack the mental capacity required to play poker after the stroke.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
There's nothing holding you back from achieving your wildest dreams, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that stronger and more restrictive gun laws are badly needed.