Yet Another Set of Horoscopes from the Onion

Your Birthday Today
Your creativity will be at an all-time high today. Take advantage of this by purchasing a second, larger bag of Popsicle sticks.

Aries March 21 - April 19
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister will walk into a bar this week, order three stiff drinks, and break down crying in one of the most depressing jokes you've ever heard.

Taurus April 20 - May 20
While your towering throne of skulls is still intimidating, the doughnut-shaped hemorrhoid cushion you've been forced to purchase does slightly lessen its overall effect.

Gemini May 21 - June 21
It's easy to lose one's sense of perspective in life, especially with no vanishing point, horizon line, or transversal plane to help gauge distance.

Cancer June 22 - July 22
As someone who has never been very comfortable with the sight of blood, you should avoid next Thursday's baby shower at all costs.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Although willpower has never been your strong suit, you will realize this w—Hey, where are you going? Seriously now…come on…put that brownie down.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Despite several long-held beliefs and assumptions, you'll soon realize that it takes all kinds to mobilize a hate group.

Libra September 23 - October 23
Remember: No man is an island. An area of land almost completely surrounded by open water but still connected to the mainland by an isthmus—maybe. But not an island.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
While you've often heard the old adage about crying over spilt milk, your grandmother's tragic slip will shed a whole new light on the matter.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Just when you think you can't keep going any longer, you'll somehow find the strength to continue jogging for a fourth minute.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You'll discover Ponce de Leon's fabled Fountain of Youth this week. Sadly, it'll be another three years before you develop the linguistic and cognitive skills necessary to tell anyone of it.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
It will soon become obvious to you that in a medical emergency, such as shattering your femur while cleaning out the attic, every month counts.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
The interesting thing about homicidal rage is—well, the stars don't want to ruin it for you.
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